i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
