The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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