Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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