Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
