I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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