Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
