I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
