Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
