we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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