The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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