Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
