he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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