And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
