frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
