just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
