i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
