I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
