he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
