Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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