my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
