So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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