You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
