...so i touched it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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