How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
