I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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