A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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