Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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