I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
