So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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