Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
