Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
