Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
