the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
