Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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