Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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