so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
