I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
