nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
