I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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