You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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