someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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