Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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