I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
