I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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