I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
