normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
