I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
