I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
