dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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