I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
